Letting go

I believe that I have post tramautic stress disorder.
I had something so deeply devastating happen 3 years ago. It was job related and it shocked my psyche. It shocked me to my core.
I have seen therapists, I've prayed, I've fasted, I've exercised, I've cried. But I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk. I am WALLOWING in my funk.
My funk has made me stagnant. My mental is keeping me captive and preventing me from moving forward.
I need to get better. I HAVE to get better. I need to perservere.
My sadness has caused me to think CRAZY things. To want to do crazy things to myself.
My only motivation is for my kids. They are my ONLY reason for breathing each day

I lived

Hello! I haven't written in a while.

Today, I had to get my life. I mean REALLY get my life.
I've been so sad lately, a deep in your bones, way down deeeeeeeeep sad.
I'm dissatisfied with everything.
I'm  tired of hearing myself complain.

So I decided to get my life. To figure out the source of my discontentment w my job, my station in life, my direction.
I recently apopted a meat free diet, I started doing yoga in the morning and most importantly I logged off of FB for a while.

I found myself looking for validation from strangers behind a screen, looking for love from keyboard strokes.
I had to get back to basics and reflect on the person that matters most; the reflection in the mirror.

I have been obsessed with One Republic's  I lived.
I know that it's because along the way, a part of me died.

My thoughts have been crazy, my feelings manic. My esteem has been low. My confidence shattered.

So I'm  back to pick up the pieces of the woman who used to be.

Join me on this journey.

Life according to Jax ♡

Where to go from here?

Today is the 2nd day. I'm feeling a bit better but still lost and hurt. I realize that we are probably much better apart but I'm still all over the place emotionally. I was told today that I would need a c-section. It was schedUled. I'm petrified of the idea. I called him to tell him what's going on. He was unsympathetic and said he would call me back. That was 14 hrs ago

Beginning of the end

Never would I have believed that today would have ended the way that it did. My sons 3rd birthday and I'm 9 1/2 months my pregnant with my 2nd child. How could this bastard tell me that He's leaving me???? That he's tired of me??? I have been taking care of this POS for effing years and this is the thanks that I get???
I am at my personal rock bottom. I have no where else to go but up from here. My heart is broken. My ego is bruised. How could he do this to me???

Dreams, Disappoinment, Struggle, Triumph
Have you ever had someone try to sh*t on your dreams? A dream killer is like an assassin shooting mercilessly, relentlessly until you wave the white flag giving up in defeat.
I have several dream killers aiming for me, a treacherous shark, a man who claimed he was going to love me unconditionally. But lately the biggest threat has been the face in the mirror staring back a me. I have taken the lies and embraced them close to me. I have let their verbal daggers penetrate to the deepest part of me. My ancestors fought to release the shackles in order for me to be free but I have allowed the bondage to continue mentally to me.
I hold my head high with my boobies to the sky.I have decided to keep fighting and keep winning until I die. Ms Angelou said it best: You may shoot me with your words, You can cut with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness but still like air I rise